sooooo its been a little bit.

lets see; nothing too exciting.

there is the fact ive been sick. and feel like hell, and want to just sleep all the time. -but that is nothing new. there is also the fact that it is snowing- and ii hattte snow, its just so annoying to drive on. and to clean your car off in the morning.

christmas is just around the corner. dont know what exactly im doing yet for my family. i want to get everyone something grand. but who knows. it depends on all my sales. hopefully this will be a great month for me. i WILL reach my goal. i have too.

well i am just prolonging getting ready. i know this wasnt very long and really tideious but oh well. ill wrtie more later.

BEING SINGLE  IS SOMETIMES CONSIDERED A GREAT THING, YOUR WINDOWS OF OPPURTINITIES ARE ALWAYS OPEN. NO LIMITS TO WHOM YOU CAN MEET; MAYBE EVENTUALLY DATE. HONESTLY; THE POSSIABLITY TO DATE AN NUMEROUS AMOUNT OF PEOPLE IS RIGHT THERE. BUT REALISTICALLY, WHO IS THERE TO DRAW THE LINE?

I RECENTLY STARTED TO "DATE" THIS ONE GUY. HONESTLY; I WAS A LITTLE SKEPTICAL ABOUT PURSUING ANYTHING MORE THAN JUST CUDDLE BUDDIES. HE DEFINATLY SEEMED GREAT; VERY ATTRACTIVE; BUT JUST NOT MY TYPE. [IM INTO THE MORE RUGGID MEN; NOT PRETTY BOYS] WELL THE MORE AND MORE WE HUNG OUT; THE MORE AND MORE HE GOT EMOTIONAL WITH ME. MORE ROMANTIC THINGS PLANNED. I COULDNT BELIEVE THAT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I WAS ACTUALLY FALLING FOR A DUDE.

I HAVE BEEN SOOOOO CYNICAL DUE TO A CERTIAN SOMEONE; THAT MY LOVE LIFE HAS SUFFERED. THE FEAR OF BECOMING CLOSE WITH SOMEONE AND HAVING THEM RIPPED APART FROM MY LIFE ISNT TEMPTING. SO I WENT AHEAD AND TOOK MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL OF MUSH; ALL OF THE LOVEY DOVEY EMOTIONAL FEELINGS. I MAD A FACT IN MY HEAD THAT I WOULD NOT GET INVOLVED AND PUT MY HEART OUT THERE.

WELL THINGS WITH THIS GUY LASTED FOR A GOOD TWO WEEKS. HE WAS HANGING OUT WITH ME SO OFTEN; TEHRE WAS EVEN TALK OF MEETING HIS PARENTS; THEY WOULD LOVE ME... HE WENT SO FAR AS TO TEXT MY SISTER SO THAT SHE COULD LIKE HIM SO I WOULDNT "LEAVE" HIM. tHIS GUY WAS FAKING EVERYTHING TO ULTIMATELY GET WHAT HE WANTS.

FUNNY THING; I HAVENT SPOKE TO HIM IN ABOUT THREE WEEKS. I CALLED HIM A FEW TIMES; NOTHING MORE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO GET DESPIRATE. I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT ALL, IT WAS SIMPLY SILENCE. I FIGURED ID MOVE ON. HES NOT WORTH IT ANYWAY IF HE CAN JUST UP AND FORGET ABOUT ME.

YESTERDAY HE LEFT ME A MESSAGE ON MY MYSPACE PAGE.

I RESPONDED LIKE A DUMBASS; BUT NOTHING SERIOUS. JUST TURKEY DAY WISHES. ULTAMATLY I WANTED TO SHRUGG IT OFF AND JUST FORGET. SO I DID.

UNTIL LAST NIGHT I SAW HIM AT A PIZZA SHOP.

OF COURSE IT WAS THE BIGGEST SHOCK IN THE WORLD TO ME. HE JUST STOOD THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN. SHOCKED THAT I WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM. THE LOOK IN HIS EYES WERENT SENSERE; THEY WERE OF PURE SHOCK. LIKE OH SHIT WHAT DO I DO NOW.

I JUST SEMI IGNORED HIM. MY HEAD WAS INRAGED WITH VICIOUS THOUGHTS. I WANTED TO RIP THE SHIT OUT OF HIS FACE. THEN I DID A STEP BACK. I LOOKED AT THE WHOLE PICTURE. I WASNT THE ONE WHO REACHED OUT TO HIM. HE DID THAT TO ME. MAYBE I RESPONDED BECAUSE IT WAS THE POLITE THING TO DO.

THEN I GET A TEXT. "IM SORRY; WE SHOULD TALK FACE TO FACE; I REALLY LIKED YOU AND I COULDNT GET INVOLVED WITH ANYTHING EMOTIONAL" BLAH BLAH BLAH. RANDOM PSYCHO-BABBLE-BULLSHIT. I MEAN IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE; YOU SHOULDNT IGNORE THEN RIGHT? I MEAN THAT IS A SURE FIRE SIGN THAT HES INTO YOU. LOL.

WOW, SO I REALLY CANT THINK AT THIS MOMENT; AND I REALLY DONT WANT TO TIE THIS LITTLE BLOG INTO A NICE LITTLE BOW WITH A HAPPY ENDING... IM GOING TO LET THE RESOLUTION MARINATE INTO MY MIND FOR A MINUTE.

...POST BACK LATER.

NOT ONLY IS CHRISTMAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOLIDAYS; IT IS ONE OF THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR.

COUPLES PLAYING IN THE SNOW; FAMILIES DRINKING EGGNOG; FESTIVE LIGHTS ALL AROUND; NOT TO MENTION THAT WARM FEELING IN YOUR HEART BECAUSE YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY THE ONES YOU LOVE.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT HAVE THAT ONE PERSON TO SHARE IT WITH? ITS A PRETTY LONELY TIME OF YEAR. ALMOST A MOCKERY IF YOU ARENT OUT WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

NOT THAT I AM LONELY [I MEAN I DO WELL FOR MYSELF] IM NOT; I HAVE PLENTY OF PEOPLE TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH. BUT LATELY I HAVE CONTINUED TO THINK ABOUT MY EX. WHEN YOU ARE WITH A PERSON AS CLOSE AS I WAS TO HIM; ITS HARD NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM DURING THIS TIME OF YEAR. I MEAN REALLY; THINGS DEFINATELY NEEDED TO BE WORKED ON; WE WENT PERFECT, COME TO THINK OF IT WE WERE BAD FOR EACHOTHER; I DONT MISS HIM HIMSELF; I MISS THE IDEA OF HIM. rIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE I DONT HAVE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE; JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF UNSPECIAL PEOPLE.

MAYBE THE MERE REASON FOR THIS IS THE FACT THAT I AM SO UNATANIABLE EMOTIONALLY. IM AN ENGIMA OF SORTS. SO COMPLEX THAT ONE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ME. -BAD YES, THE GAME IS A LOT HARDER ON MY SIDE. IM INDESISIVE; AND THE PERFECT MAN COULD BE STANDING THERE AND GIVING ME THEIR ALL; AND I KNOW THAT I WOULD JUST TEAR HIM DOWN. SOMETHING WOULDNT BE RIGHT; AND I JUST WOULDNT ACCEPT THAT.

IS THAT FAIR?

SHOULD I BE A TAD MORE ACCEPTING? [NOT NESSISARY] WHY SHOULD I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SORT OF SITUATION IF IT ISNT PROMISING? WHY SHOULD I PLAY THE MIND GAMES IF IN REALITY; THAT ISNT WHO I WANT. SHOULD I LEAD THIS MEN ON JUST FOR COMPANIONSHIP? YEAH I PROBABLY WILL. IS THAT BAD? OR IS IT JUST REALISTIC?

TIS THE SEASON...